A lots been happening lately. Wife says I should write, so I am writing. Wife… -sigh-
The wife offered me spousal support in March. Odd. all the times we’ve fought, and she’s talked divorce, she suggested she’d fight tooth and nail to put me under an overpass or down to the river bottom. Suddenly, when we aren’t fighting, she offers spousal support.
Something is up. I start watching her. she’s on her phone all the time, but it gets worse. She is on the phone during her favorite TV shows. She is on the phone while we are at dinner. She is on the phone in the bathroom. It’s pathological.
She’s really stressed out. She’s high strung anyway, but this is worse. There is absolutely something up. Is it work? Is it me? No, it’s her. It’s something she won’t talk about, something I am not supposed to know about.
Who is this guy? I know it’s a guy. Maybe a doctor or something from work, maybe one of the gym rats from The Camp, where we have been going to lose weight. She has a nursing conference in May. We are planning to go there. She asks me “you don’t -really- want to go to Washington, right? It will be boring. There’s nothing to do there. It would be way cheaper to leave you and Steph at home and I just go myself.”
Aha! Either this guy lives in Washington, or he’s going to meet her there. Well, honestly, with all that’s been going on, good for her. She was basically asexual for a long time, supposedly due to her hormones, but mostly, I think, because she always withheld sex as a method of punishment. Now she was horny all the time, but I was having issues. They say if you don’t use it, you lose it. Well, I lost it a while ago. I had planned to go get tested, see if it was low testosterone or something. Too late now.
But maybe a fling was what she needed. Maybe she was just so tightly wound that the pressure needed some release, and this would be it. I had done it to her 12 years ago (yes, I am a bastard, admittedly so). Maybe she just needed some young stud to help her out, and that would be it. So, when it came up in conversation, I dropped the bomb. “You just need to get laid. Maybe you should do that.”
She couldn’t believe it. I was actually, seriously suggesting she go out and get laid. “You would be okay with that?”
“I just want you to be happy, and you aren’t, so yeah, if that would make you happy, go for it. I’ll be here when you are done.” I should have known…
So, three days later, this guy, 16 years younger than me, is apparently “in love” with my wife of 21 years. He wants to move here from Washington (yes, she was going up to see him; no, there really is a conference, and she was booked there before she made these plans). She isn’t sure what she wants, but she knows it isn’t me.
swoosh… That’s the sound of the flusher.
I’m rudderless, sleepless, and hopeless.
If it had just been a fling, I could have handled it and moved on. If you aren’t using it, don’t cry when someone else is. You can dance with whoever you want to as long as you are coming home with me.
But no. This “could be something.” Yeah? Maybe something that lasts for 2 decades? This guy will be with you into your 60s? Good luck.
I’m swinging all over the stages of grief, going from denial to bargaining to anger to crying, sometimes within minutes. I’ve slept about 8 hours in the last three nights. Last night was only 2 of those. This is my whole life, falling down the whole I dug 12 years ago.
I can’t even blame her. I set this up. I’m not even supposed to know, but because I am really good at reading people… I’m fucked.
Hold ’em tight and tell them you love them while you can, because by God, if you don’t, someone else will.